What is vetting, and why should you do it?
Vetting is to thoroughly inspect and get to know a person. It’s an old school practice in BDSM that gets ignored too often in today’s meet-online-first world. Before you get into anything with someone for the first time, do your homework on who this person is instead of just taking their word for it.
This is where you make sure they are trustworthy, safe, and compatible with what you want.
So why is it important to vet someone?
Vetting isn't something you should rush, because tere is a certain level of safety that you should consider when you are in the vetting process. Vetting is just a way that you can learn about someone in depth and it can save you from a lot of problems later on in the relationship.
Let's take a look at a restaurant. From the outside it could look like it's high-end, but you go inside to order. First the wait staff ignores you, but then when you finally order and the food isn't what you wanted and the taste is horrible. Later on you do a simple search for the restaurant online and you see complaints. Had you done the search before hand you could have avoided eating there. This is why vetting is so important, because it can help you find out about a person in depth just like an internet search on a restaurant.
Get to know the person behind the title. Getting to know someone goes for everyone involved not just the submissive regardless of what type of relationship your in.
Do not focus on the playing, kink, or the sexual aspect of the relationship, because you sould get to know all about them. Remember no amount of good sex will help the relationship if you fight outside of the bedroom all the time.
Before you even get to the kinky stuff there are some vanilla things you need to know about each other. I know it’s easy to get wrapped up in the kink side of this lifestyle and forget we have basic needs that need to be met too. If we don’t mesh well outside of the bedroom all the kink in the world won’t make for a lasting relationship.
Here are a few questions you can ask. Do they have physical illness or limitations. Ask if they have mental health issues or past trauma that affects them emotionally. Not only do you need to know these things before a scene you need to know up front if you are ready for any challenges these will have in the relationship. You don’t have to be cruel, but it’s best to be honest and walk away upfront if there’s something you can’t deal with. It wouldn’t be fair to you or your partner to get deep in the relationship only to walk away later on because you later realize you’ve never been comfortable with a limitation they have. Be completely honest with them and yourself if you have even the slightest reservation.
If they have a history of mental illness or past trauma ask what triggers they have. Ask what they have done to try and manage it. Ask what you can do to help. Try to remember just because you can’t see a disability doesn’t make it any less real. Don’t be that person that tries to beat mental illness out of someone’s head, you aren’t helping.
What are their hobbies?
What was their childhood like?
What are their political views? Maybe touch on the hottest political topics of the day. (This one may not may not be something you need.)
Do they want or already have children? If so what’s their views on child rearing?
If you or they already have children what role will each of you play in the children’s lives?
If you have children can they handle that?
Do they have income? If not, what’s the circumstances behind it? If they work what do they do? Do they like their job? If not where do they want to be in order to be happy? What plan do they have in place to get there?
Do they have transportation?
What is their living situation?
What education do they have? Are they planning on furthering their education?
Do they have food, pet, drug or other allergies? What should you do in the event of a reaction?
What’s their biggest pet peeve?
What’s their goal in life? What plan do they have in place to get there?
Do they drink or do drugs? If so, how often and how much? What do other people say they are like when drunk or high? If they don’t right now have they ever been diagnosed as an addict? If so, what do they do to keep from having a relapse?
What were they like as children? Do they have hobbies? What are their beliefs? What do they see their future looking like in the lifestyle and in general? What type of person are they in the lifestyle and in general. Asking lots of questions let's you know a person personally. Ask about their experience in the lifestyle. Ask how long they have been in the lifestyle how many subs they’ve had, why the relationships didn’t work out. Ask if they are still friends with exs.
Ask questions about topics you know in the lifestyle so that you can judge them for yourself?(this one is important) ask about safety protocols and get to know it. There’s so many things to ask about and you should.
Look for what is commonly called " Red flags". Red flags are behaviors and patterns that someone has and gives off that are concerning and alarming especially to other people who have more experience in the community and can see it.
The main thing is to have fun, relax and get to know each other. Don’t try to rush anything. If it’s meant to be it will happen. Bottom line is, are you looking for forever or just your next booty call? If you want forever it’s worth the time and effort to vet properly and make sure you are both what the other needs before jumping into a dynamic. You can’t and shouldn’t be jumping into a dynamic with everyone claiming to be just what you want and need without getting to know you inside and out.
Remember while vetting may let you know about people more indebt it doesn't mean there still won't be a level of danger involved. Ultimately it's up to each person to take the right steps and keep themselves safe.